It is a Privileged to be with Other People
This job of parenting is so tricky.
But, every moment of inappropriate behavior is a wonderful window of opportunity to teach!
Often, it is the best time to teach a child that being with other people is a privledge.
Thus, if their behavior is rude, they temporarily lose that privledge.
Let's say a child is being rude by whining. Often, the child whines, alot, the parent talks about how rude whining is, the child continues to whine, the parent then scolds, threatens, screams....and the whining continues.
By engaging in lengthy verbal dialogue about the whining - the parent is reinforcining the whining by feeding it with attention. Teaching the child that it is successful to use a whine to get the attention they crave.
The fact is, the battle would be over, if the parent stated...with calm and no judgement....
1. "Whining is rude. it hurts peoples ears."
2. "You lose the privledge of being near people when you speak rudely."
3. "I will talk to you when you have found a polite way to speak."
Then the parent walks away, just a few steps, or in the next room, or just turns away. And the conversation is over.
The whining may continue, but gets zero response.
The child will persist in disbelief that he/she is not getting a reaction...and eventually, the whining will stop becasue it is no longer successful.
When the whining stops, the parent will say, "I would love to talk to you now with your polite voice".
This reinforces the act of stopping the whine. If he/she responds in a whine, turn away and repeat.
If a polite response voice is used, thank him/her for the polite cvie and carry on with something new. The moment is over. Don;t talk about it, just have a great time together doing something; anything.
Be absolutely consistent and calm. Do not give any fuel to a whine. Stop the interaction and wait, ten minuites or an hour, until a polite voice is used and then interact without judgement and with calm kindness.
Use this reasoning for any rude behavior.
"It is rude to hit people. You lose the privledge of being near people if you are rude.
Please stay away form me and all people in the room until you decide to be gentle."
"It is rude to grab. You lose the privledge of being with people when you are rude. Stay away from us until you can think of a polite way to ask for that item."
This takes consistency and time, but the rude behaviors will dissappear - - far more quickly than if those behaviors are rewarded with any verbal engagement.
